Ghost of Christmas 2007 Past
My immediate family is somewhat large: there are both my parents, of course and five kids (myself included). Throw in the newly arrived Caleb and it makes for a pocketbook busting Christmas of around 42 presents to be exchanged. Everyone ends up buying the baby a present — he’s just darn cute that way. Besides, it’s 100% American to heap goods on the youth of America in excess. There’s a clause in the Constitution regarding it.
To keep things manageable, we’ve instituted a buy-one, get-one policy. All the kids pull a name from a hat and buy his or her a gift. No muss, no fuss. This last year, I decided to opt out entirely of Christmas gifts (well, half so — I still bought the gift I was assigned to give, I’m not a complete ass) for myself and asked people to do something kind instead. When I was asked by one of my sisters what I wanted, this is the email I sent around:
Hmmm. Here’s what I’ve come up with: everyone’s off the hook for Christmas with me this year. After thinking about it for a while, I’ve realized that everything I need I already have, and anything I’ve ever wanted I don’t really need. So rather than a gift this year, I instead have a few requests to make (don’t fret they’re easy).
- Clean out your closet (I mean this in a literal, not a figurative way). Find a few pieces of clothing you have which you haven’t worn in over a year, that doesn’t fit you or that you have had second thoughts about. Give them away — doesn’t matter to whom. Organize the rest. (Bonus points for doing this with the junk drawer.)
- Say something nice to and do something good for a complete stranger. Don’t expect anything in return. The gift is in the experience of giving, not the investment for a thank you.
- Consider giving a gift to increase peace in the world. You can, for example, use Heifer International (www.heifer.org) to give a flock of geese to a family in Cambodia ($20), or make a microloan (www.kiva.org) to a woman entrepreneur building a sustainable economy in Africa ($25) or you could help remove landmines from playgrounds in Cambodia with www.changethepresent.org ($50).
The third is entirely up to you, but I would appreciate hearing about the first two. And yes, I will still be sending out presents and cards; even I know that not everyone is excited about providing fishing poles and nets to a village in sub-Saharan Africa.
Pretty easy stuff.
Happy Holidays Everyone !
-Chris
For the most part, everyone respected the request and I got some pretty nice emails about how clothing trends from the 1980s were no longer in dry storage. The one person who didn’t honor the “no gifts” policy was my mother. This was to be expected, of course. I ought to preface the remaining story to clarify that I’m not the easiest person to buy for. Having no dependents beyond two cats, general impulse control issues and readily disposable cash make for a pretty consistent kickline of instant gratification in my household. In this particular case however, I was taken entirely by surprise.
I had two wrapped items under the tree, both relatively small in size. The first item turned out to be a set of heat-resistant rubber spatulas. Apparently my mother was looking for one the last time she cooked in my kitchen, could not find one and opted to use Christmas to correct the egregious oversight on my part. Nice, trivial, easily used at home. Perfect. The second was a pair of tempur-pedic house slippers. Same “NASA”(r) quality visco-elastic memory foam everyone’s grown to know and love, just in a foot-sized package. They’re uber comfy and keep your toes quite warm to boot. (Exactly where she bought these are a mystery to me, I was actually looking for a pair after I tried on my brother’s and loved them. By the look of them, they are something you can only find at an airport Brookstone store, while in between delayed flights, late at night on alternating Fridays. Either they make like two a month or they’re shipped in from the Twilight Zone. Possibly both.) It wasn’t until I was getting ready for the drive home that she told me I had a third present waiting for me, except this one she didn’t manage to put under the tree, it was in the trunk of her Jeep.
Standing behind my mom’s truck with the trunk door popped, I could see this was no minimal present. First off, it was a cube, easily two feet on a side, gift wrapped. Secondly, it sat atop a wooden stand not entirely dissimilar to a trucking pallet. Thirdly, when I tried to take it out of the trunk to toss it in the car I realized it was incredibly heavy. Won’t budge an inch, listen to the suspension creak as I move it, who ordered the metal plates kind of heavy. I was thinking perhaps mom had bought me a lifetime supply of lead buckshot.
Enlisting my brother Matt to get it from her car, I tore off the gift wrap. Underneath, was a non-descript cardboard box. I lifted up the box to discover my mom had bought me a safe. Not a Sharper Image executive plaything safe. Not a RonCo “protect your valuable documents” safe. A bone fide, where’d-you-stash-the-blood-diamonds-damn-you kind of safe. A safe with thick reinforced steel walls, meant to be permanently installed into your foundation or perhaps cunningly hidden behind that Monet hanging in the palor. (With Ms. Scarlet and the candlestick.)
It took me six months and an industrial dolly to get it up the cruel stairwells in my house. This coming holiday season, I’m asking for MP3 downloads at the Amazon store.
2 Responses to “Ghost of Christmas 2007 Past”
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Brilliant!
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